The North Waziristan Connection

Our key ally in the war on terror, Pervez The Prez, decided to make a surprise visit to Pakistans remote tribal region, named, in a wizardly way, North Waziristan.

The US informed him al-Qaeda and the Taliban had established a stronghold there, and his intention all sublime was to meet with three important tribal chieftains to elicit their pledge of help in the war on terror. In return, he would offer his pledge not to intervene militarily in their beloved mountainous region.

He was plunked down by a helicopter and led to a well-appointed cave in the wall, where the tribal chiefs awaited him with all the mock sincerity they could muster under their infrequently shampooed beards.

Welcome to North Waziristan, President Mush, one of the triumvirate of turbaned and bearded galoots said.

Thank you, Mush replied.

You can call me Pervez.

Good, a tribal chieftain responded, Call me Omar.

Im Ayman, confessed another.

And Im Orville, stated the third.

Orville? President Mush questioned with some suspicion. Funny, that doesnt sound Pakistani?

Its a nickname, Orville replied.

Oh, Mush commented. May I ask, whats your real name?

Oh, its been so long since I used it I cant remember, came the provocative answer.

Really? Pervez reacted, and interrogated ever deeper. Got a last name?

Logan.

Logan? the Prez replied, and pried, Is that short for something?

No, the tribal chieftain affirmed. Its just another nickname.

Your first and last names are both nicknames? Mush demanded.

Yes, been that way since way back when. In fact, now I cant remember my real last name, either. Then, motioning to the Oriental rug on the dirt, he said, Have a seat.

Thanks, Orville, Mush replied, and sat down.

Then Omar, Ayman, and Orville seated themselves, too.

As you know, Pervez refreshed their memories, I have come to ask for your help with the war on terror.

Were all for that, Omar replied.

Sure thing, Ayman confirmed.

Yep, Orville added.

Good, Pervez replied.

But what do we get in return? Orville wanted to know.

What would you like? Pervez asked. Name it, and its yours.

To be left alone in our beloved land of North Waziristan, Orville told him.

This land is our land, Omar almost sang.

We want it all to ourselves, Ayman confirmed.

No problem, Pervez told them. Its not too safe for us to come to your beloved remote region anyway. I simply need to know that none of you will offer shelter to members of Al-Qaeda or the Taliban.

You have my word, said Ayman.

You bet, chimed Omar.

Yep, added Orville once again.

And, as soon as you know where even one of these terrorists is, President Mush continued, promise me youll arrest him and turn him over to the government. Do I have your promise on that? And no crossed fingers, please.

All of them raised their hands, and said in unison, You have our word, all three, Allah, be praised.

By the way, Pervez said, leaning forward in a confidential way, you dont happen to know where any of these terrorists are right now, do you?

Not a clue, Omar replied.

No idea at all, Ayman joined in.

Nope, Orville affirmed.

Hmm, Pervez hummed, considering their response circumspectly. Then promise me this. If you do learn about the whereabouts of any of them, I want you to fight them and kill them or, should the occasion arise, arrest them.

We will do it! Omar replied.

Allah, be praised, we will fight and kill them for you, Ayman asserted. In fact, I may even make a video for you, encouraging my people to be on the lookout for any and all terrorists, especially the misguided criminal leaders of Al-Qaeda.

I think you should make one, Orville told him. After all, youre the one with access to a video camera. He turned to Mush. All I have is an audio setup.

Done! Ayman agreed.

Excellent! Mush exclaimed. Then we have an agreement and a video, too?

Orville tilted his turban toward him, and said sternly, First, lets connect the dots. If we agree to hunt these terrorists down, we need your pledge that you will keep America out of North Waziristan, too.

No CIA operatives, Ayman added.

Or bombs, Omar stressed. Especially the bunker busters.

No need to worry, Pervez assured them. President Bush knows Im his leading ally in the war on terror. You promise to go after Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, and America will never dare even enter North Waziristan, let alone bomb it.

Then we do have an agreement, Orville told him, and put out his hand.

Great, Pervez replied, and shook it.

Deal, Omar and Ayman added, putting out their hands.

Wonderful, just wonderful, Pervez agreed, continuing to shake.

After various expressions of mutual solidarity, Pervez The Prez took his leave, ready to assure President Bush that he had made an agreement with the tribal leaders of the remote region that would prevent it from ever being a refuge for Al-Qaeda and the Taliban.

And from then on, every time the question came up in Washington about the two terrorist organizations having a safe haven in North Waziristan, the official word was that America couldnt possibly enter the remote mountainous region. Our leaders knew President Mush already had his hands full with Muslim fundamentalism, and we couldnt possibly risk shaking his already tenuous hold on power.

Imagine the consequences if he was forced out and radical Islamists took control. Whatever use might be made of Pakistans nukes?

We could only hope that, despite the unsettling surge in suicide bombings in Pakistan and the recent showdown at the Red Mosque between the government and fundamentalist Muslim clerics and students, Al-Qaeda and the Taliban hadnt even thought about such a possibility.

Meanwhile, we could all be confident that the tribal leaders in North Waziristan continued to be on the look out for any sign whatsoever of Al-Qaeda and the Taliban.

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://www.NewsLaugh.com has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."